How to Love an Avoidant Woman

Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist

Editor’s note: I have not published a verbatim transcript and instead opted to only publish a paraphrased version necessarily corrected for pre-translation. This is because, while I found the speaker’s insights valuable and his hypothesis logically sound, his expression is riddled with egregious defects. 

For example, the talk is replete with confused pronouns, i.e. interchangeable use of ‘you, he, she, they’, making antecedents difficult to infer. This problem compounds in the machine translation process, especially for languages that require gendered inanimate objects. There are also many utterances that lack explicit objects or predicates. There are vague referents. There is poor diction. There are hand gestures in substitution for vocabulary. 

To a human native speaker, such defects are automatically repaired, but transformer language models cannot infer what was implied from context. Certainly YouTube caption auto-translation and Trint cannot. 

While it’s true that a Generative Transformer such as GPT-4o will output grammatically correct and complete expressions, I have not tested whether it can draw the needed inferences in the present case. Human intervention was required to make translations of this material reliable.

Men, have you ever met the type of woman who keeps a strong wall between herself and other people? She’s the kind of woman for whom common dating advice backfired on you when you tried to use it because she felt the opposite of how women are supposed to feel. 

Maybe you've had a woman in your life who misses the deeper connections in your relationships that everybody knows is so important, but she didn't even want to go deeper with you. Maybe she even had an aversion to being open, to being seen, to feeling close. 

If so, this is a specific type of connection to other people. It keeps her safe and it activates in childhood. It's a survival mechanism, but it robs her of the fulfillment in your relationships that she could be enjoying and that you could enjoy with her. She's only getting about 20% of the joy out of her relationships that's available to her. 

I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist. I've worked for years with individuals who have avoidant attachment and especially with women. 

Fascinatingly, the research shows that the vast majority of people with avoidant attachment are men. But there are so many avoidant women out there who go completely unseen, who have never heard about avoidant attachment and never get advice that works for them. And there's a tremendous number of men who come flooding into my coaching and into my private messages and emails begging for information on these women. They are saying that nothing else seems to work because they don't want what other women seem to want. 

This video here is actually a follow-up to my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" mini series, because the number one most requested video in those comments, both by avoidant women and men who love them, was 'what about women?' I'm here to teach you that today. 

Today I'm going to show you how avoidant attachment works, specifically in women, and how to give them genuine love without smothering them and without scaring them away. We're also going to cover the avoidant woman's sex drive, because it's very unique from how the average woman works, and all the other information on the internet is going to give you the opposite results if you try to approach her the way that everybody else claims women want. 

This means that your approach must be completely different from what contemporary advice has told you. I'm going to tell you what you really need to do. 

And if you are an avoidant-attached woman yourself who happens to be watching this, I know that happens too, this video should give you the vocabulary and the tools that you need to articulate your needs to your partner so that you can build more a fulfilling relationship in which you may to relax and feel safe. 

Okay, so let's begin. So for the sake of new viewers here, what is ‘avoidant attachment style?’ 

Avoidant attachment style is a survival mechanism that activates in childhood when one has very low oxytocin. This is the bonding hormone that makes a person feel loved and connected with other people. 

Avoidant attachment is the belief that nobody is ever going to be fair with you. 

Maybe your parents were yelling and screaming at each other all the time. 

Maybe you didn't have parents. 

Maybe you felt disconnected from other people. 

Maybe other people were cruel to you. 

Maybe you were never able to make a connection with someone who made you feel loved. 

Instead of focusing inward and blaming yourself, like the person with anxious attachment style does, you looked outward and thought, "something is wrong with all these people."

Maybe the people around you were overstressed. Maybe they abandoned their morals. Maybe they were very ignorant people. 

You understood that other people are untrustworthy, therefore you unconsciously decided to construct a social barrier between yourself and them. 

Many of the avoidant women that I work with had fathers who were very inconsistent in showing love. 

Maybe mom had a personality disorder. 

Somebody hurt them. 

Something went wrong. 

They didn't receive affection and for this they blamed, not themselves, but how other people deal with stress. The avoidant-attached believed that no one would ever be fair with them, that sharing their needs only gets them hurt, or laughed at, or yelled at. 

They learned that being yelled at is pretty common, so they've learned to minimize connection with other people, to keep everything simple and isolated. They held their feelings and opinions inside. They got used to never opening up and they maintained that wall. 

These are not evil women. They're not hurtful women. They're not awful women. They're not cold ice princesses, as some people will call them. They have feelings and needs, but they don't believe anyone will ever care. This avoidant attachment pattern protects them from getting hurt. They never open up to anybody, but unfortunately, this starves them of everything that would give them joy and fulfillment in their life. 

Biochemically, here's what's going on. Their oxytocin level is almost zero. Oxytocin is a  massively important bonding hormone that makes one feel safe and loved and connected to other people. Oxytocin is also highly important for a woman's sex drive. 

It's essential to have oxytocin, but for most women with avoidant attachment, excessively low oxytocin releases GABA. Gamma Aminobutyric Acid. GABA helps to suppress cortisol and stress. 

So, a lot of women with avoidant attachment often have chronic pain, low GABA levels, high levels of cortisol, high levels of stress, high occurrence of other medical issues. Autoimmune issues can result from this, very low sex drive as well. 

The next hormone is vasopressin. When two people resolve stressful situations together, their brains express vasopressin. Many women with avoidant attachment style have oxytocin receptors that are dormant because they don't receive much oxytocin, and in turn, oxytocin receptors actually shift in function to accept vasopressin. 

This is fascinating research from Doctor Sue Carter and her paper, The Oxytocin Vasopressin Pathways in Love and Fear. This research shows that oxytocin receptors can shift to act as vasopressin receptors, but a lot of women with avoidant attachment style don't solve problems with other people either, so they don't get much vasopressin either, and so, they often don't get much serotonin through relationships, communication, openness, care, and nurturing. 

So these women have very low serotonin levels. In fact, most of these avoidant attached women feel very mechanical, very close to depression, and have very high levels of stress. They're constantly trying to manage that stress, usually through dopamine. That can be via porn or masturbation, it can also be via sweets. It can be any activity that gives dopamine and thus, pleasure. Retail therapy—spending money—gives lots of dopamine. These are activities that feel good, to weak effect, in place of all other reinforcements. 

The avoidant-attached brain plunges into high levels of dopamine constantly to compensate for missing beneficial experiences. 

That's what avoidant attachment does. That's its origin. So, what does it mean in your relationships? 

Well, if she's never open and doesn’t connect with other people, she can never have her needs met. She can never share her needs or desires. 

Women typically bond also through sharing, talking, conversing, commiserating, and feeling accepted. But the avoidant-attached woman probably will never really do that. 

A lot of avoidant-attached women have a very hard time connecting with other people, especially to women. They only really connect with other men. They'll have a bunch of male friends but then, that also feels awkward, so they generally feel lonely. They don't really connect with anybody. They'll be very lonely throughout much of their life. 

Fascinatingly, the female sex drive typically operates via the oxytocin pathway. Emotional intimacy boosts oxytocin. Likewise for nonphysical, non-sexual activity: Hugging, holding hands, connecting, bonding, snuggling. These boost oxytocin levels. This in turn leads to sexual desire, which then leads to openness to non-intercourse sexual contact, foreplay, kissing, making out, groping, which further boost oxytocin, which then opens the desire for  intercourse, which boosts the oxytocin higher, which results in orgasm, which further boosts oxytocin, and this can lead to multiple orgasms, which boosts the oxytocin even higher. And so a bond is created and a sense of security that invites later sexual connection. 

That's how the typical woman's sex drive works. But for avoidantly-attached women, dopamine is the problem. 

The novelty of sex with a new partner can be good during the first 6 or 7 months, but then the reward starts to taper off. A lot of women with avoidant attachment style have a high sex drive in the first six to 12 months, but typically desire starts to taper off. Thereafter, her sex behavior typically only focuses on maintaining her man’s happiness, and this serves her need for validation. 

Or once in a while, maybe monthly, her hormones increase sufficiently that she feels a little desire. In this case, then, the couple has an intimate experience just occasionally. A lot of couples after eight years of marriage have once-a-month sex, but only when she wants it and even then she avoids intimacy and faces away from him. 

Advertisement: If you're watching this video and it seems like it would be easier to have somebody guide you through this, a mentor to show you exactly what to do, step by step, in applying everything you're learning here, you need to join the Attachment Circle Mentorship program. I will work with you personally for an entire year in 100 or more group calls. Plus, you're going to get the support of a growth-minded community of other individuals who are companions on your journey. People you can trust, people you can work with, and people you can practice these skills with. If you want to join us, join the Attachment Circle Mentorship program. There's a link below in the description. I'll see you there. 

I’ve had, actually, many couples come to me for help, but I'll talk about one in particular, in which she had an avoidant attachment style, and he was a little bit more anxious, mostly secure. They could only have sex facing away from each other because she had a condition called oxytocin aversion. 

Kissing was overwhelming for her. Face-to-face stimulation during sex was way too much. They could only have sex facing away from each other—and only about once a month. He, however, loved kissing. He craved that connection, but she disliked it and she didn't understand what he was doing. She just wanted it over with quickly so he could get what he needed. Wham bam, out the door. 

But this lack of intimacy started to dismantle their relationship. She wouldn't share her needs with him. She was very closed off. He actually did describe her as an ice princess. But after I talked with her, I found that she had needs and desires that she kept hidden inside. She wasn't cold at all, but to him, she seemed so. 

She had no idea what he wanted from her. All this was a complete mystery to her. She had no idea why he was making a fuss about emotions , connection and bonding. She said to him, "look, I'm giving you sex once a month, so how often do you need it, once a week? Do you want a quickie once a week? What do you need? Just tell me. I'll just do it."

But that's at all not what he wanted. He wanted a more authentic connection with her. He actually ended up avoiding sex with her, and she didn't understand why. She assumed that he must be having an affair. 

A lot of avoidant women attract different kinds of men. They may attract anxious men who tend to be approval seeking, and who are overwhelmingly smothering. 

Avoidant women may often attract avoidant men who crave approval. To her this feels safe because she can keep him at a safe distance. She can predict his needs, she can keep him available to her. She knows that such a man won't be too demanding or ask too many questions. She knows that he’ll always be orbiting her, endlessly craving her approval. 

Some avoidant women attract men who are more avoidant than they are. These men saturate her with bonding to a degree that such women find confusing. Such men might be able to manipulate her. I've seen that plenty of times. 

Occasionally, I've seen avoidant women attract men who are more securely attached. Initially, such men are confused because they initially think that the avoidant woman is very calm and logical. Over time such men start to feel really frustrated with her behavior but their avoidant partner doesn't understand what's happening or why she also feels frustrated. 

A lot of couples involving an avoidantly-attached woman are frustrated on both sides. Neither party has any idea what to do to fix it. She doesn't like feeling poked and prodded and told that something's wrong with her. But a lot of men who are paired with avoidant women feel very alone, very unloved, very confused about why she's holding back on bonding. Right? It's counterintuitive to everything that we say a woman is supposed to want. 

Now, this is not about her being a bad person. It's not about her holding out on her partner. It's not a conscious choice on her part. Avoidant women are not evil. They really have no idea that more is available to them. They don't know that it's ever safe to open up. They don't know what it's even like to open up and receive love and acceptance. 

Now, if you happen to be an avoidant woman who's watching this, maybe you're alone, maybe you're with a partner, I don't know, but here's a snapshot of how good relationships can look. I had one avoidant female client who came in. She had a very, very low sex drive. She engaged in sex with her husband facing away, no kissing. The husband felt unloved. They were headed for divorce. She had no idea why. She had very low connection with their children. She loved them, but didn't have much of a connection with them. She also didn't have very many friends. 

I taught her conflict resolution skills so that she could face conflict and difficult conversations without feeling like she had to fight to survive and harm the other person who just wanted to resolve the issue. I also taught her how to communicate her needs, how to articulate those needs, her need for space, when she felt too stimulated, how to articulate that, yes, kissing felt good, but too much of it was kind of scary. So ease in and out of it a bit. 

I taught her how to articulate her needs in the bedroom: “This is a little too stimulating for me right now. Can we slow down? Is that okay?” 

I taught her how to share about her day, how to share her problems, and how to ask her husband what he wanted from her. 

Most avoidant women are stunned to hear that anybody else wants to hear them complain about their day. 

I taught her how to state her needs, how to negotiate for those needs. And I taught her what her husband wanted from her. She was so blown away. She almost didn't believe me. She actually didn't believe me when I taught her what her husband wanted from her. 

But then she went and tried it. She opened up. He became so much warmer to her and so considerate of her needs, and he was so happy, happy that she opened up to him. She was shocked. 

I remember her coming into the next session, crying, saying "I've never had anybody be fair with me before. I didn't think anybody ever would.". 

She was able to ask for space when she needed that. She was able to get the love and intimacy she needed, and thus, her brain chemistry completed. She grew and improved. 

She was happy. Her depression went away. She actually smiled a lot more in her life. She actually woke up looking forward to her day. Her children started connecting with her more. They wanted to spend time with her. She enjoyed her time with her husband. Life wasn't an endless series of tasks, it was things that she could look forward to. 

What was really cool was seeing her oxytocin levels keep going up. And in turn, her sex drive went way up. Then she started enjoying face to face intercourse with her husband, enjoying the kissing and snuggling. She started to look forward to their evening talks. She became more affectionate with everyone in her life. 

Everybody noticed it. There were no manipulative tactics. There was no tactical thinking. She could talk frankly to her partner about issues and find resolution with him. It was amazing for her. 

What was also really cool, was that she applied these tasks and skills more widely and had trusted friends in her life. Finally, she could talk to people who loved her openness. 

It was so funny because she went to them and said, "hey guys, I need to tell you, I'm working on this thing where I'm really closed off to other people, and I kind of just tell people what they want to hear, but I don't really feel open to people, and I don't share my needs." And they're saying, "yeah, we know. Is this news to you?" And she had to laugh at herself thinking that she had kept it so secret all these years. 

But it was great watching her open up. Life became easier for both of them. It also became more fun, more passionate. All her energy that had previously been put into maintaining her walls instead got put into finding ways to be happier in her days, and her partner loved it. It wasn't just more fulfilling, more sex, and more openness, but it was watching his wife thrive in her life. 

This is a process. It doesn't happen all at once. And the avoidant woman is usually very skeptical at first. That's okay. No one has ever been fair with her before. 

And this is not a video for forcing anyone to change. So if you're watching this with your partner and you're feeling pressured to change immediately, that's not what this is about, okay? This video is strictly about how to love an avoidant woman. So here are some things, men out there watching this, that you can do right now for the avoidant woman in your life to show her the kind of love that can encourage her to open up. 

Above all, fairness is everything. Apply this in conversation. Start using the word 'fair' everywhere — and not against her. 

Start asking her: "Does our relationship feel fully fair to you?" 

"I want a loving, fulfilling relationship where both of us feel happy together. I know that fairness is at the heart of that. So can I ask you: Do you feel our relationship is fair to you? Is there anywhere where our relationship doesn't really feel fair to you right now? And if so, how can we adjust that?". 

"I want things to be fair to you, so I appreciate this thing you did for me, I really want to be fair in return. How can I repay that love?". 

"Hey, how can we be fair to you? I have these sexual needs. I would like it twice a week. How can we do that in a way that's also fair to you?"

Bring fairness into everything and into practice. Be fair with her. 

If you're watching this video and it seems like it would be easier to have somebody guide you through this, a mentor to show you exactly what to do step by step in applying everything you're learning here, you need to join the Attachment Circle Mentorship program. I will work with you personally for an entire year in 100 plus group calls. Plus, you're going to get the support of a growth-minded community of other individuals who are companions on your journey, people you can trust, people you can work with, and people you can practice these skills with. If you want to join us, join the Attachment Circle Mentorship program. There's a link below in the description. I'll see you there. 

Secondly, share your expectations clearly. One of the biggest problems with avoidant people is they are afraid of your unmet and secret, unspoken expectations, and that's what makes them afraid to accept kindness. 

Explain your expectations. "Hey, just so you know, this is what I need in our relationship. I'm just going to tell you clearly. This is what I need measurably to feel loved. I would love to hear from you in return what makes you feel loved so that we're fair to each other. I want to be fair. These are my expectations. What are your expectations? Let's talk about those. Our respective needs probably align in a number of places, but let's make everything explicit." 

Number three. Recognize the knowledge gaps that exist. Avoidant women aren't avoidant because they want to be, they're avoidant because they don't know that real love and connection and care exists. 

So share things that she might not know. Talk with her about feelings openly. Don't just say "I want you to be open to me." What does that look like measurably? Why is it important? Help her understand. 

This video could be helpful for that, right? I made this video to help. Watch it together and discuss what feels confusing in this video. Maybe she needs to share with you about what feels confusing. Maybe she thinks this is crazy. That's okay. 

Remember that oxytocin pathway? Her sex drive right now is likely to be very different from most women until that oxytocin flow is improved. Facing away. No kissing. Getting dressed right after sex. All of this is very common for avoidant women. Do not take it personally. You will see a lot of changes eventually.

But you can ask for more. Explain why you need more. Explain what more looks like. Explain that it doesn't have to be all at once on demand. Explain that you can build this with her and that you want her to enjoy it, and explain why it should be enjoyable. 

Watch this video with her. It’s really common with my clients. Okay? 

And the last thing is: remember that she can change. This is not about forcing her to change. It's about encouraging her, through love, to trust you and experience that fulfillment together. 

Sometimes she might need a push. Sometimes you might have to state your expectations. Sometimes you might have to share your frustration, but do so encouraging that change through genuine love, fairness and kindness. That's what's going to surprise her. 

Remember my female client who went from closed off to warm and passionate? That change is possible with the right skills and experiences, with patience and love. This is a tough process, and I understand that. 

So, you don't have to do it alone. If you need help, I am a professional. I'm happy to help. I can guide you through this process as a couple or individually, quickly and efficiently. I am here to assist if you need it, so please don't feel like you have to do this all alone. There are ways to make this easier. 

I want to wrap up by saying this:

Avoidant women have been demonized for a long time. We don't talk about them much at all, but when we do, we call them awful things. It's terrible to see how they're demonized, which is so sad because they really are just women who need more love than anybody else does because they've never experienced it. But they're also terrified of that love. Love is scary for them because it's only been weaponized against them. It's not real love. It's demands and expectations and then, hurt. 

These women need more love than anybody else on the planet does. Fairness and consistency are the two things that they need more than anything else from you as their partner. Direct conversations are everything in this communication. Not beating around the bush trying to hint. No, clear and direct, while being fair and consistent so that they know what to do and they have those choices. 

Build trust with them. It takes time and patience to do this. To love an avoidant woman takes patience. It takes building oxytocin as well — sometimes while they're afraid. It takes working with them when they're scared, telling them that it's okay that they're scared, and asking them what they want to do about that, and then going to that next step. 

Guys, it is so worth it to see avoidant women in relationships go from completely petrified, to having them come in and look me in the eye and say, "Adam, I am so happy with my husband. Thank you so much for teaching me how to receive love. He is giving me more love than I ever imagined a human being could. Thank you." 

It means everything, you guys. It is so worth it to see couples so happy and to see avoidant women so fulfilled and their husbands so joyous. 

Your relationships can be fulfilling and trusting and safe, and this is right at your fingertips with the right partner. And keep in mind, I am here to help. I am Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist. 

Now, I recommend that you go back and watch my How to Love an Avoidant Man mini series for more detailed information on how not to scare avoidant women away during this process. A lot from those videos will apply here. This video is the extra bonus on top just for the women, so watch that series together. Have some discussions. Contact me when you need help. I'll be in those videos. See you soon.